I just can't take this, i dont know whats becomming of me. I dont know who the hell i am anymore, I can't feel anything, i feel like so numb, I want to just cut away the numbness if only it would truly be gone. I'm tired of being in this pain, of everyone being against me. I want them to accept me and let me do what makes me happy.

Have you ever thought about how death can smell like roses? its sweet and but yet weird...i think of that all the time.
I'm back to thinking of suicide constantly and i'm carrying blades with me again too. I just can't take this. I can't take everyone being against everything im doing. They're against me and Tony, they're against me purging and cutting, they're against every damn thing. I fuckin hate it. Why can't they accept me for who the hell I am..

I feel like shit today, total fuckin shit. Sorry for my poor language but I am so sick of these feelings over and over again. They never seem to go away, its like they haunt me all the time. They want me dead....they have no use for me. Im not supposed to have feelings or emotions, I am nothing but a toy for them to use and play around with. I have so much anger, I just don't understand why life has to be this way, why all the pain?

I just want to feel normal, i want the crying to stop, the blood to cease from flowing and the scars to go away. Why does everyone think im broken? It's not like they can fix me. I am not a tool to be thrown away.

 

I just don't understand...

 

signing off for now

 

L.A.

Last night, i made a promise to someone that i would abstain from cutting, purging, burning, and that i would eat...

the deal was that if i broke it, i had to write down ten things about myself that were positive, and then recommit to the deal..well good news, i haven't broken it yet, but i still wanted to post 10 good things about myself.

1.I have pretty eyes, that i absolutely love!!!!
2.I have dimples that everyone else is in love with!
3.I have survived so far in my life and will continue to do so, with God, everything is possible.
4.I love helping people...it rocks!!!
5.I enjoy having fun, being spontaneous, and just being wild sometimes
6.I have a beautiful smile, and although i dont like smiling much, when i do, my smile makes me happy!
7.I am WORTH IT!!!!!! My god created me and he has a plan for me
8.I have a GOD who loves me!!!!!
9.I am loved and totally cared about!!!!
10.I have a great caring personality
11. (yes i thought of more than 10) I have great amazing friends who love me for who i am...

Tomorrow would have been Jesse's birthday, If only he knew how much i miss him, how much i still love and care about him even though he's not here for me to hold. I want to be with him, i need to see his face. i've been suicidal for the past few weeks but have been to scared to really say anything or talk about it...This blog is the only place i can really place my thoughts and know that they might be safe. No one reads this thing anyway. They won't know it until im long dead. I can't picture another year without having him here. He hurt me sooo much, if only he could see the pain im in now due to his death.

It's been 3 years since he did it, shouldn't i be over it by now?